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July 15, 2005

Junk Drawer With A Strap

Women have too much junk in their purses. And these oversize purses just make the whole thing worse. It’s like telling women, who have too much junk in their normal size purse as it is to put more junk in. Here's my scenario:

You're at a party with your new oversize purse when Brad Pitt approaches.

Brad Pitt: You're sexy.

Girl: Really?? I mean, what about Angelina??

Brad Pitt: She wants to save the world; I just want to stay in bed all day with you.

Girl: Anytime, anywhere.

Brad Pitt: Can I get your number??

Girl: Sure, let me give you my card. (rummaging in oversize purse) It's in here somewhere ... hold on ...Oh, why can’t I find it? (Girl asks Brad to hold her purse, which he obliges, and she sticks her head in her oversize purse. Girl has half her body inside the purse rummaging.)

Brad Pitt: (Turns to nerdy guy standing nearby) This bag weighs a ton and this is taking too long. Can you hold this?

Nerdy Guy: Sure (taking purse eagerly. Brad spots Jessica Alba, who comes over to say hi).

Jessica Alba: Can I buy you a drink?

Brad Pitt: Sure. (Their eyes lock and they walk off together).

Girl: I’ve got it! (Girl emerges from purse disheveled to find nerdy guy standing there smiling as she sees Brad walk out with Jessica Alba.)

Why am I so fired up about over-size, 2 ton purses? Well, I have a particular aversion to women with big purses with too much in them. I grew up with a mother with a bad neck and couldn’t carry her own purse. So at the age of ten I was walking around malls carrying my mother’s purse (and she wonders why I’m gay). By the age of 14, before going out, I would dump out her purse and pull out everything she didn’t need. This didn’t go over so well at first, especially on a trip to Italy when I literally threw her suitcase on a train because I was so angry that it was so big and so heavy. “Be careful, there are gifts for the relatives in there,” she exclaimed. I retorted back curtly, “If you can’t carry it, DON’T PACK IT!”

So to all those women out there with too many cosmetics, brushes, compacts, deodorants, lipsticks, keys, maps, mini-pharmacies, notepads, business cards, mail, and tchotchkys in their over-size purses with boyfriends, husbands and sons tired of carrying all that crap: skip the oversize purse, and just take all the unnecessary crap out. And to all the men in these women’s lives, tough love might be hard, but it works. And if she really loves you, she’ll keep you around.

So be patient, it might take a while (maybe years). The tough love finally worked on mom when, by the time I was 22, she came to visit me and had a very small and very light bag. She gleamed like a child pleasing her parent when she said, “I did good, didn’t I?” And she did.

PS: Girls, I allowed mom one extraneous item, so I will let you all do the same. But only one!

Posted by Michael Rogers at July 15, 2005 02:53 PM

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