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July 15, 2005

Nuts For Animals

Pet owners, I believe we’ve officially crossed the line. I’ve recently been reading up on plastic surgery options for pets out of the pure disgust and curiosity that a pet owner would unnecessarily subject their animal to pain, simply for vanity reasons. During this research I came across botox, liposuction and face lift options for animals and the available procedures became increasingly horrifying. Then I came across Neuticles.

According to the manufacturer, “patented Neuticles are testicular implants for pets. Neuticles are available for canines, felines, equine, bulls or any pet which is neutered… allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.” They even come in different models for size, shape, firmness and feel!

It took me a minute to actually process the idea because I couldn’t believe what I was reading. Do dogs really size each other up in passing or when playing at the dog park? I thought that was left to insecure heterosexual men who can’t get a date.

Frankly, I don’t think animals could really give a damn about their appearance. I love my 18.5 pound four-year-old Tabby named Myles, fat rolls and all and I would never suggest to him to have liposuction because his belly is practically touching the floor. Nor would I suggest for him to have testicular implants because he’s lacking when up against my other Tabby, Kirby. I don’t think it affects his self esteem one way or another. He’s not depressed because he’s missing his man parts and he’s certainly not traumatized by the experience of having them removed.

Pet love is supposed to be unconditional – one of the reasons us singles are so attached. They love you when you wake up in the morning no matter how you look and we should love them even if they’re lacking in the nether region. Have we become so vain with ourselves that we genuinely believe our pets esteem suffers on a daily basis because their testicles have been removed or they have a wrinkly face? Perhaps we’ve just gone nuts.

Posted by Constance Wherrity at July 15, 2005 02:45 PM

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